Thyroid Cancer: A Cancer Too “Good” to Be True

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I often quip to those closest to me that I don't remember life before my diagnosis. The cancer caused so much stress on my brain that memories of the past feel increasingly distant by the day. 


It is often hard to believe that I was once healthier than this. Every day I wake up in a haze only to find that my reflection confirms that I am indeed the same sick girl I was three months ago, although with less cancer than before.


As I sit here and write this, I have no infinite wisdom to dispose of. I only wish to discuss what I am going through, hoping that another twenty-two-year-old who might be going through the same thing feels less lost than I was.



"The Good Cancer"


If you are diagnosed with thyroid cancer, your doctor and friends, all meaning well, will probably pat you on the back and tell you not to worry, assuring you that you have "the good cancer." 


I was positively puzzled when I first heard this statement because nothing about the past few years had been good in terms of my health. I was always tired and constantly falling asleep every few hours, my brain was slowing down, and as cancer grew, I felt more unstable but couldn't understand why. 


Thyroid cancer gets the term "the good cancer" due to its treatability and higher survival rates (if detected early enough). But the truth is no matter how "good" a cancer is, the treatment is exhausting, horribly exhausting, and patients always have to live in fear of its return in other parts of their bodies. Looking back, I wish no one sugar-coated what the process was going to be like. In the beginning of recovery, I often beat myself up for not healing fast enough or not being grateful that I had "good cancer," despite my body being in so much pain. This vicious cycle caused me to spiral into a deep depression.


The side effects of having your thyroid removed are pretty extensive and often hidden by survivors who want to put on a front that they are healing, often to live up to the expectation that cancer survivors are "brave" and "courageous." They are, don't get me wrong, but this puts a lot of pressure on patients who often don't want to be "brave" or "courageous" but just want to take a nap and do nothing because they feel sick. It wasn't until I joined a survivors network that I found people who shared my symptoms and helped me feel less insane. As a cancer patient, especially a young patient, you are not responsible for how other people feel. If they ask, tell them the truth, only ever speak your truth because trust me lying to people is only lying to yourself, which in short DOES NOT HELP YOU. Trust me, I'm a chronic optimist, so it was hard accepting that I wasn't okay, but a relief when I felt like I didn't have to lie anymore.



Life post-thyroidectomy


It's been nearly two months since I had my thyroid removed. Some days I wake up drained as if extra weights have been tied to my body pulling me down. Occasionally I feel delirious from the fatigue. Sometimes, I will feel okay one moment, and then find myself on the floor in a puddle of tears the next.


The one thing that has changed has been acceptance. I have accepted that there is no such thing as a "good cancer" (your cells are actually trying to kill you) and stopped beating myself up for feeling sick. I have accepted that it's okay not to be okay. And most importantly, I have accepted that my life will never be the same, but God-willing there will be and have been better days.


Cancer itself is ultimately a lonely process; your loved ones will never quite get it, and that is okay, frustrating at the time, but okay. Talking about your pain to those who will lend an ear is healing for your body and mind. 


My beloved family and friends have shared my pain and helped pick me back up from the floor (quite literally) but have never given up on me, and for that, I am endlessly grateful. If you are reading this, know that the journey is challenging; you will be okay one day, but don't worry if that's not today, tomorrow, or heck for a very long time. Just know that you always have a friend in me. 


Much Love and Many Blessings


Zaynab 


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